winding down

Seriously, where does the time go? That may be the most cliché statement ever typed on this blog, but really I just need a few more weeks here in athens to get my thoughts together, pack up my stuff and say goodbye to the people i truly care about. i really have had the opportunity to make the most of these last few weeks since i don't have a ridiculous amount of work or anything, so life is pretty great. last week we had our AOII senior banquet which was incredibly bittersweet but really wrapped up the last four years pretty nicely. i got burned, cried a little and loved a lot! we all danced and laughed all night and i got some sweet letters from people who mean a lot to me :) there's nothing like a solid goodbye to make you feel loved and appreciated. on the other side, i think i might be ready for life post-athens. i have felt so anxious lately, just waiting for the next part to start while at the same time not wanting to leave anything/anyone behind or anything left undone. it is such a weird position to be in to feel like you may still have some things left to do but you are tired of wondering what's next. slowly a lot of my friends are making decisions and plans and i secretly wish someone would make my decisions for me and just put me where i am supposed to be. i know that's impossible because this is the part where i "follow my heart" but that doesn't mean i have anything figured out. for all of you(or none of you) wondering, i will be in atlanta this summer doing an internship and living in good ole east cobb until august. after that, life starts- wherever that may be. I've gone through so many different cities as prospects for a job and think i may have it figured out. DC is looking pretty great right now and i am hoping that some doors will open and everything can fall into place. until then, i am having faith in Him that the plans He has, i will follow. Don't worry, i am sure to have some crazy realizations this summer and will be updating when things change or i figure anything out. until then, keep all of us graduating in your thoughts and prayers. this is the big time.

Would you do it again?

All day today, my mind has been racing over every little decision I have made in the last few years that has brought me to being a senior with a severe case of life-anxiety. Once I had completely overwhelmed myself with that, the next logical question is: would I do it all again??? Obviously I have pangs of wanting to stay here just a liiiittle bit longer, but I am not convinced I would like to go back to freshman year and start over. I struggled through this huge campus all of freshman year and did not really feel comfortable here until end of sophomore year. So no, I definitely would not do freshman life again. Would I pick the same major? Yes and no. I would still like to do PR but I might change the Spanish major to something in the business school....maybe.... minus the whole accounting thing; that still freaks me out. I most definitely would go back to Spain and London which continue to be my most favorite moments in college. Weird, too, since none of my best best friends went with me. I think that is why it was wonderful. I saw I could have these amazing experiences on my own and still come back to people who love me. Priceless. Would I choose the same activities and people and ministries in Athens? YES YES YES. I don't have any regrets there- just wish I had spent more time enjoying it all. So I think my consensus is this: while I have loved many of the experiences during college and would pick the same road a second time around, I do not want to go it a second time around because I am(or will be in 6 weeks) ready for my next decisions and experiences. It's still hard to see if I have regrets over the last 4 years right now, since I am still in college and still loving this place. Ask me again in two years and let's see what my answers are then. Would you do it all again? Would you want to?

praise and thanksgiving

I'm not sure how my blog posts have come across this semester to everyone else, but I think my overall sentiment has been ungrateful. That may sound harsh but I had a moment the other day when I finally realized just how incredibly blessed I am right now. Somehow with all the pressure for after graduation and in my friendships and wanting what other people have, I forgot to say thank you to the God who gives me more than I deserve. If I truly got what I deserved I would have nothing and I seem to walk around forgetting that fact every single day. I wish I could say that starting now I am never going to forget all the wonderful things in my life, but that would be a complete lie. I am constantly looking for "the next great thing." The blog directly below this, anyone? I mean really... Wow, it is so good for me to see my thoughts out in the open like this though and hopefully by my brutal honesty to myself, someone else can learn a little something, too.

I know I have felt unsettled and anxious for a while now and am just now seeing that the plans I am making are ridiculous and will definitely fail if I ignore the Truth. I might be freaking out almost daily with all the changes about to happen, but when I really sit to think about what to do, I realize it is not up to me and never will be. I can only hope to retain some humbleness once I am off trying to make it in the world because lately it has been so easy to try and do everything myself and make my own life plan. I have already suffered disappointment and my life is not where I would like for it to be right now in many ways, but I really need to keep myself in check and not put that much pressure on myself to succeed. If I keep this up I can see my perfectionism turning into something much darker and scarier so I think my realization the other day that I already have so much to be thankful for really was a saving Grace. The only reason I listened finally was because for one day I actually stayed quiet and tried to quit thinking about myself for like five minutes. I pray for peacefulness all the time but I never take the time to physically sit still, so consider this my note-to-self on that point!
So, anyone who reads this, take the time to sit still sometime this week and see what you may learn :)

the next great thing

Maybe I am just having the weirdest week/weekend ever, but I actually feel ready to graduate. I still only have class two days a week and nothing else filling my days to make me feel worthwhile, so I think I am just ready for the next challenge that gives me more value. I am always happier when I have a lot going on(even the worries that go along with that) and right now that's just not happening. While sometimes it is nice to be able to make my own schedule and have time to do things for myself, it feels selfish to just run errands and go to the gym all day. I spend most days daydreaming about what I'll do next and where I'll live and what I'll be doing and who I'll be doing it with. It is still so crazy to think how different my life will look at this time next year and that I really have no idea what that will be! I have broken down a lot lately thanks to the anxiety and the unknown but at the same time, in a weird way, I am grateful for the not-knowing. One thing I do wish, though, is that I would not have to go to any more career fairs.....ugh..... I think I genuinely have a hatred for them.

I am extremely grateful for the time I have had lately to put into some friendships that I have neglected for a majority of college. It is so important to me not to lose touch of people who I love and hope that even though it is impossible to stay close to people forever and ever, that we can retain all these important friendships in the next phase of our lives. I look back on friendships I have kept from high school into college and, while they aren't exactly the same, they are equally valuable to me and that's pretty amazing. If you looked at the group of girls we were in high school and the same group of girls when we get together now, we have all changed but still kept who we are and why we all work well together. An outsider might not pick each of us to be in the same group, but four years later it still works. I hope beyond all hope that that is the case for my friends I have from college too. My friendships here look incredibly different from high school ones because we don't all have the same exact group(less drama anyway) so I have been able to get to know people on all ends of the spectrum. I can't tell if after college that will be a good or bad thing because we won't be able to all get together a lot and that will make me sad. I guess I just spend a lot(and I mean a LOT) of time trying to picture what my life and I as a person will look like next year and on into life after college. Ridiculous and pointless, but it is hard not to at least try.

I would love to know if anyone else is having these same thoughts and worries right now because sometimes it feels like I am the only person in the world spending all this time thinking and wondering while everyone else has it more figured out.
Please pray for me to be patient and content with the here and now, if you don't mind!

Law of Bonnie

The title of this blog comes from Annie and my term for my life. If anything weird/awkward/bad happens to anyone, chances are it has happened to me before, too. Case in point: I somehow got mono at the end of last semester. No I did not get it that way, I have no idea who was nice enough to hand the virus over. Lucky me: law of Bonnie.

Yesterday an 80-year-old grandma in the car in front of me flicked me off. I am not kidding, I was mortified and I didn't even do anything wrong! She stopped in the middle of a green light(who doesn't , right?) so I tapped my horn and then WHAM. finger in the air. classy. Law of Bonnie.

For the second time this year, a guy who seemed for whatever reason to enjoy my company, went away on a break(Thanksgiving, Winter) and came back with a girlfriend. That's so neat. Does not do much for the self-esteem though, that's for sure. At this point in my life, I am surrounded, and I mean SURROUNDED by people either starting a relationship, in a serious relationship, or ending a serious relationship. That translates to 90% of my time is spent helping analyze guys' actions and words and acting like my life is just so peachy because I am single. That's a lie but I am trying really hard to focus on other things that are a lot more important right now, like finding a job!

My dream is to move to new york city and live with some of my best friends from high school :) and try hard not to starve on the small salary I have, if I even have one! So please pray for me to have success in the process of applying and having everything fall into place in the end. It is so hard to believe this is it. My last semester of school ever. I think I will be ready to move on from classes and maybe even Athens by the end, but until that point I am going to put all my time and effort into enjoying the moments we have. If you need a good song to listen to, any of you seniors, listen to "Best Days" by Graham Colton. Sums up our lives right now I think!

blessings all over the place

I think yesterday was the greatest day ever. UGA HEROs raised over $306,000 this year which was something I never truly believed possible. I may have acted confident in our goal on the outside but inside, I think I did not have enough faith to believe in us. I have never been happier to be wrong in my entire life! When that total was announced yesterday, I have never been so surprised and overwhelmed and happy and satisfied. I have been so blessed to have been given the opportunity to take even a small part in this organization for the last year. Good times and bad, I have learned more about myself and what it means to live by faith than I ever imagined. I played at the HERO Olympics all day yesterday with my new little friend Josalyn and had the best time ever acting like a goofball kid. Too bad I can't spin around like a used to, I almost got sick on one ride while Josalyn spun me around in circles which is really sad! She taught me how to dance a little better(not much improvement there) but also gave me a chance to know where the money we raise can really help these children to have not only one day of fun, but a lifetime of growth-let's hope. Thank you to all of you who supported me this year and put up with my many many fundraising pleas- it all came full circle yesterday, I promise!

Add on top of that emotional rollercoaster the fact that the #1 and #2 football teams in the country lost last night, giving us a (small) chance at a national championship game.....what a day what a day. And that, my friends, is why December 1, 2007 was my greatest day so far. Where do I go from here?

it's all about adjusting.

It's been an interesting week since my last post. I have had to deal with a pretty bad mood that's been hanging over my head for no real reason, which is not exactly fun. I am learning to do a better job of communicating because of some recent events and hope that I can be a better friend for it. I learn so much from my friends and even if I don't always want to hear it, I know it is important to hear criticism and hopefully do a good job of taking it gracefully. let's just say that part of my personality needs some improvement.

On the flip side, I kind of love that all the stores are starting to put up christmas decorations. i know some people get angry since it isn't even thanksgiving yet, but i really do just love this time of year. i went into starbucks today and they had peppermint mocha! woohoo! i am a total cheeseball but i love it! I can't even believe how quickly it got so cold and i am already running out of warm clothes but yay for sweaters and scarves! especially the scarves part.... be prepared to see that allll winter long from me :)

Well, that's all for now from me. Please pray for me to get out of this funky mood soon- we'll all be better for it!
peace