game time

Life happened to me in the last few weeks. I always said that once I got back from our family trip to South Africa, I'd get serious about finding a job and figuring out my life decisions. Well, guess what: I'm back. Scared out of my mind but feeling like it is definitely time to live by faith even when I'm fearful. Maybe especially when I am.

Our trip was literally the most amazing family adventure we have ever had. I laughed more and appreciated the people around me more than ever before. My family is amazing. Simple as that.

While over there, I got a call for a phone interview and ended up doing it from Kruger National Park- aka. in the bush with the monkeys. It went pretty well and I flew out to DC this week for an interview. Even though all of this is quick and overwhelming and serious, I feel this is right. I'll make final decisions about moving soon, but right now it's looking like I may be leaving Atlanta to start somewhere new! With or without an offer from this company, I need to get serious about where to put my jobsearch effort, because I was not made to be an intern forever (though I loooove the company I work for now. stupid economic downturn.).

So for everyone wondering what all these vague explanations mean: I am thinking about a move but nothing is final. Any suggestions, comments, concerns? Someone just tell me what to do. No, seriously, do it.

mayhem

In case you live in a hole, Sex and the City opened yesterday and I am fairly certain all females between the ages of 17-50(and all gay men) were in attendance- at least at Phipps AMC they were. The line went around the atrium and I don't know if I've ever seen aggression from a bunch of girls like that. Chaos. It even required a security guard on a Segway, duh. But all in all that may have been the most animated and excited audience I've ever been in for a movie and I thoroughly enjoyed my $11 viewing...yikes.

The job at Weber Shandwick (ok, internship) is going very well and I have learned so much in my short three weeks already. They tend to take older interns whom they expect a lot from and I am honored to have been given the responsibility- can't wait to see what happens out of this opportunity. I do have typical (fun?) intern duties too, though. Yesterday Caroline, my sidekick, and I got the duty of carrying a 10 foot tall sign down the service elevator, to the loading dock and stuffing it into the dumpster which did not go as planned and I was half-expecting a memo to go out over the company e-mail list asking what idiots left the poster sticking out the dumpster. oops ;) hey, the elevator guy told us too, right?!

just plain blessed.

I am a college graduate. I am a college graduate. I am a college graduate.

And by definition, that makes me reflective, confused, anxious and excited- all within a five minute span of time. No but really, I am so blessed to be where I am, with the opportunity to choose my next step and make it what it will be. My parents are quietly letting me find my own way but at the same time being there to catch me if I fall, giving me a chance to leap and take risks to find a future that fits. I just spent about an hour looking through old(and some more recent) pictures of my life in the last four years and over and over all I could think was: I have been given more life and happiness and growth than I deserve in a lifetime, nevermind before I hit age 22. I can only dream of giving to my children what my parents have already given me. This probably is of no interest to anyone else besides myself but I guess what I am saying is that it is so incredibly important to take time out and be grateful for everything and everyone in our lives that got us to today. I know full well that I definitely would not have studied abroad, or been in AOII, or gotten involved in HERO without someone (parents or otherwise) telling me I could and should and to take chances and to be uncomfortable. I have to remind myself of that now as I am heading into an even more unknown time and place and I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. And I have that: In my friends. In my family. In my colleagues. Quite simply, I am blessed.

And no, I have no more life updates but as soon as I have any, it will go here. Mark my word!

winding down

Seriously, where does the time go? That may be the most cliché statement ever typed on this blog, but really I just need a few more weeks here in athens to get my thoughts together, pack up my stuff and say goodbye to the people i truly care about. i really have had the opportunity to make the most of these last few weeks since i don't have a ridiculous amount of work or anything, so life is pretty great. last week we had our AOII senior banquet which was incredibly bittersweet but really wrapped up the last four years pretty nicely. i got burned, cried a little and loved a lot! we all danced and laughed all night and i got some sweet letters from people who mean a lot to me :) there's nothing like a solid goodbye to make you feel loved and appreciated. on the other side, i think i might be ready for life post-athens. i have felt so anxious lately, just waiting for the next part to start while at the same time not wanting to leave anything/anyone behind or anything left undone. it is such a weird position to be in to feel like you may still have some things left to do but you are tired of wondering what's next. slowly a lot of my friends are making decisions and plans and i secretly wish someone would make my decisions for me and just put me where i am supposed to be. i know that's impossible because this is the part where i "follow my heart" but that doesn't mean i have anything figured out. for all of you(or none of you) wondering, i will be in atlanta this summer doing an internship and living in good ole east cobb until august. after that, life starts- wherever that may be. I've gone through so many different cities as prospects for a job and think i may have it figured out. DC is looking pretty great right now and i am hoping that some doors will open and everything can fall into place. until then, i am having faith in Him that the plans He has, i will follow. Don't worry, i am sure to have some crazy realizations this summer and will be updating when things change or i figure anything out. until then, keep all of us graduating in your thoughts and prayers. this is the big time.

Would you do it again?

All day today, my mind has been racing over every little decision I have made in the last few years that has brought me to being a senior with a severe case of life-anxiety. Once I had completely overwhelmed myself with that, the next logical question is: would I do it all again??? Obviously I have pangs of wanting to stay here just a liiiittle bit longer, but I am not convinced I would like to go back to freshman year and start over. I struggled through this huge campus all of freshman year and did not really feel comfortable here until end of sophomore year. So no, I definitely would not do freshman life again. Would I pick the same major? Yes and no. I would still like to do PR but I might change the Spanish major to something in the business school....maybe.... minus the whole accounting thing; that still freaks me out. I most definitely would go back to Spain and London which continue to be my most favorite moments in college. Weird, too, since none of my best best friends went with me. I think that is why it was wonderful. I saw I could have these amazing experiences on my own and still come back to people who love me. Priceless. Would I choose the same activities and people and ministries in Athens? YES YES YES. I don't have any regrets there- just wish I had spent more time enjoying it all. So I think my consensus is this: while I have loved many of the experiences during college and would pick the same road a second time around, I do not want to go it a second time around because I am(or will be in 6 weeks) ready for my next decisions and experiences. It's still hard to see if I have regrets over the last 4 years right now, since I am still in college and still loving this place. Ask me again in two years and let's see what my answers are then. Would you do it all again? Would you want to?

praise and thanksgiving

I'm not sure how my blog posts have come across this semester to everyone else, but I think my overall sentiment has been ungrateful. That may sound harsh but I had a moment the other day when I finally realized just how incredibly blessed I am right now. Somehow with all the pressure for after graduation and in my friendships and wanting what other people have, I forgot to say thank you to the God who gives me more than I deserve. If I truly got what I deserved I would have nothing and I seem to walk around forgetting that fact every single day. I wish I could say that starting now I am never going to forget all the wonderful things in my life, but that would be a complete lie. I am constantly looking for "the next great thing." The blog directly below this, anyone? I mean really... Wow, it is so good for me to see my thoughts out in the open like this though and hopefully by my brutal honesty to myself, someone else can learn a little something, too.

I know I have felt unsettled and anxious for a while now and am just now seeing that the plans I am making are ridiculous and will definitely fail if I ignore the Truth. I might be freaking out almost daily with all the changes about to happen, but when I really sit to think about what to do, I realize it is not up to me and never will be. I can only hope to retain some humbleness once I am off trying to make it in the world because lately it has been so easy to try and do everything myself and make my own life plan. I have already suffered disappointment and my life is not where I would like for it to be right now in many ways, but I really need to keep myself in check and not put that much pressure on myself to succeed. If I keep this up I can see my perfectionism turning into something much darker and scarier so I think my realization the other day that I already have so much to be thankful for really was a saving Grace. The only reason I listened finally was because for one day I actually stayed quiet and tried to quit thinking about myself for like five minutes. I pray for peacefulness all the time but I never take the time to physically sit still, so consider this my note-to-self on that point!
So, anyone who reads this, take the time to sit still sometime this week and see what you may learn :)

the next great thing

Maybe I am just having the weirdest week/weekend ever, but I actually feel ready to graduate. I still only have class two days a week and nothing else filling my days to make me feel worthwhile, so I think I am just ready for the next challenge that gives me more value. I am always happier when I have a lot going on(even the worries that go along with that) and right now that's just not happening. While sometimes it is nice to be able to make my own schedule and have time to do things for myself, it feels selfish to just run errands and go to the gym all day. I spend most days daydreaming about what I'll do next and where I'll live and what I'll be doing and who I'll be doing it with. It is still so crazy to think how different my life will look at this time next year and that I really have no idea what that will be! I have broken down a lot lately thanks to the anxiety and the unknown but at the same time, in a weird way, I am grateful for the not-knowing. One thing I do wish, though, is that I would not have to go to any more career fairs.....ugh..... I think I genuinely have a hatred for them.

I am extremely grateful for the time I have had lately to put into some friendships that I have neglected for a majority of college. It is so important to me not to lose touch of people who I love and hope that even though it is impossible to stay close to people forever and ever, that we can retain all these important friendships in the next phase of our lives. I look back on friendships I have kept from high school into college and, while they aren't exactly the same, they are equally valuable to me and that's pretty amazing. If you looked at the group of girls we were in high school and the same group of girls when we get together now, we have all changed but still kept who we are and why we all work well together. An outsider might not pick each of us to be in the same group, but four years later it still works. I hope beyond all hope that that is the case for my friends I have from college too. My friendships here look incredibly different from high school ones because we don't all have the same exact group(less drama anyway) so I have been able to get to know people on all ends of the spectrum. I can't tell if after college that will be a good or bad thing because we won't be able to all get together a lot and that will make me sad. I guess I just spend a lot(and I mean a LOT) of time trying to picture what my life and I as a person will look like next year and on into life after college. Ridiculous and pointless, but it is hard not to at least try.

I would love to know if anyone else is having these same thoughts and worries right now because sometimes it feels like I am the only person in the world spending all this time thinking and wondering while everyone else has it more figured out.
Please pray for me to be patient and content with the here and now, if you don't mind!