Sunday, February 17, 2008

praise and thanksgiving

I'm not sure how my blog posts have come across this semester to everyone else, but I think my overall sentiment has been ungrateful. That may sound harsh but I had a moment the other day when I finally realized just how incredibly blessed I am right now. Somehow with all the pressure for after graduation and in my friendships and wanting what other people have, I forgot to say thank you to the God who gives me more than I deserve. If I truly got what I deserved I would have nothing and I seem to walk around forgetting that fact every single day. I wish I could say that starting now I am never going to forget all the wonderful things in my life, but that would be a complete lie. I am constantly looking for "the next great thing." The blog directly below this, anyone? I mean really... Wow, it is so good for me to see my thoughts out in the open like this though and hopefully by my brutal honesty to myself, someone else can learn a little something, too.

I know I have felt unsettled and anxious for a while now and am just now seeing that the plans I am making are ridiculous and will definitely fail if I ignore the Truth. I might be freaking out almost daily with all the changes about to happen, but when I really sit to think about what to do, I realize it is not up to me and never will be. I can only hope to retain some humbleness once I am off trying to make it in the world because lately it has been so easy to try and do everything myself and make my own life plan. I have already suffered disappointment and my life is not where I would like for it to be right now in many ways, but I really need to keep myself in check and not put that much pressure on myself to succeed. If I keep this up I can see my perfectionism turning into something much darker and scarier so I think my realization the other day that I already have so much to be thankful for really was a saving Grace. The only reason I listened finally was because for one day I actually stayed quiet and tried to quit thinking about myself for like five minutes. I pray for peacefulness all the time but I never take the time to physically sit still, so consider this my note-to-self on that point!
So, anyone who reads this, take the time to sit still sometime this week and see what you may learn :)

Saturday, February 9, 2008

the next great thing

Maybe I am just having the weirdest week/weekend ever, but I actually feel ready to graduate. I still only have class two days a week and nothing else filling my days to make me feel worthwhile, so I think I am just ready for the next challenge that gives me more value. I am always happier when I have a lot going on(even the worries that go along with that) and right now that's just not happening. While sometimes it is nice to be able to make my own schedule and have time to do things for myself, it feels selfish to just run errands and go to the gym all day. I spend most days daydreaming about what I'll do next and where I'll live and what I'll be doing and who I'll be doing it with. It is still so crazy to think how different my life will look at this time next year and that I really have no idea what that will be! I have broken down a lot lately thanks to the anxiety and the unknown but at the same time, in a weird way, I am grateful for the not-knowing. One thing I do wish, though, is that I would not have to go to any more career fairs.....ugh..... I think I genuinely have a hatred for them.

I am extremely grateful for the time I have had lately to put into some friendships that I have neglected for a majority of college. It is so important to me not to lose touch of people who I love and hope that even though it is impossible to stay close to people forever and ever, that we can retain all these important friendships in the next phase of our lives. I look back on friendships I have kept from high school into college and, while they aren't exactly the same, they are equally valuable to me and that's pretty amazing. If you looked at the group of girls we were in high school and the same group of girls when we get together now, we have all changed but still kept who we are and why we all work well together. An outsider might not pick each of us to be in the same group, but four years later it still works. I hope beyond all hope that that is the case for my friends I have from college too. My friendships here look incredibly different from high school ones because we don't all have the same exact group(less drama anyway) so I have been able to get to know people on all ends of the spectrum. I can't tell if after college that will be a good or bad thing because we won't be able to all get together a lot and that will make me sad. I guess I just spend a lot(and I mean a LOT) of time trying to picture what my life and I as a person will look like next year and on into life after college. Ridiculous and pointless, but it is hard not to at least try.

I would love to know if anyone else is having these same thoughts and worries right now because sometimes it feels like I am the only person in the world spending all this time thinking and wondering while everyone else has it more figured out.
Please pray for me to be patient and content with the here and now, if you don't mind!