I'm not sure how my blog posts have come across this semester to everyone else, but I think my overall sentiment has been ungrateful. That may sound harsh but I had a moment the other day when I finally realized just how incredibly blessed I am right now. Somehow with all the pressure for after graduation and in my friendships and wanting what other people have, I forgot to say thank you to the God who gives me more than I deserve. If I truly got what I deserved I would have nothing and I seem to walk around forgetting that fact every single day. I wish I could say that starting now I am never going to forget all the wonderful things in my life, but that would be a complete lie. I am constantly looking for "the next great thing." The blog directly below this, anyone? I mean really... Wow, it is so good for me to see my thoughts out in the open like this though and hopefully by my brutal honesty to myself, someone else can learn a little something, too.
I know I have felt unsettled and anxious for a while now and am just now seeing that the plans I am making are ridiculous and will definitely fail if I ignore the Truth. I might be freaking out almost daily with all the changes about to happen, but when I really sit to think about what to do, I realize it is not up to me and never will be. I can only hope to retain some humbleness once I am off trying to make it in the world because lately it has been so easy to try and do everything myself and make my own life plan. I have already suffered disappointment and my life is not where I would like for it to be right now in many ways, but I really need to keep myself in check and not put that much pressure on myself to succeed. If I keep this up I can see my perfectionism turning into something much darker and scarier so I think my realization the other day that I already have so much to be thankful for really was a saving Grace. The only reason I listened finally was because for one day I actually stayed quiet and tried to quit thinking about myself for like five minutes. I pray for peacefulness all the time but I never take the time to physically sit still, so consider this my note-to-self on that point!
So, anyone who reads this, take the time to sit still sometime this week and see what you may learn :)
well, this one's awkward.
5 weeks ago